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[I apologize for this post, inasmuch as it is revealing / disturbing. It, however, must be said because it has been torturous.]
The convergence of these two following exibits (A & B) seems impossible but... by the grace of God and faith I choose to go on, why? Because I want to .
Self-centerdness is what I see: "Why do I not get the situation I want [knowing the truth] in the way that I want [reality turned into what i want]"
A) Two Paragraphs by Pope John Paul II in "Love and Responsibility" on sentimental Love:
"Idealization of the object of love is a well-known phenomenon. It is particularily characteristic of young love. Here, the ideal is more powerful than the real, living human being, and the later often becomes merely occasion for an eruption in the subject's emotional consciousness of the values which he or she longs with all his heart to find in another person. It does not really matter whether they are really values possesed by the particular person towards whom the subject feels a sentimental love. For that person, as we have said, is less the object of than the occassion for affection. Sentimentality is subjective and feeds, sometimes to excess, above all on values which the subject bears within himself or herself, and for which he or she consciously or unconsciously yerns, And this is yet another difference between sentiment and sensuality, which is in its own say objective and nurtured by a sexual value connected with the 'body' of the person who is the object of desire- though of course this is the objectivity of desire, not the objectivity of love.
None the less the salient feature of human sentiment noted a moment ago seems to be the main source of the weakness of affection. That form of love shows a characteristic ambivalence; it seeks to be near the belovd person, seeks proximity and expressuins of tenderness, yet it is remote from the beloved in that it does not depend for its life on that person's true value, but on those values to which the subject clings as to its ideal. This is why sentimental love is very often the cause of dissillusionment. Disullusionment where the woman is concerned may come with the discovery as time goes by that the man's sentiment is ony a sort of scrren for concupiscience or for the will to use another. Man and woman alike may be disillusioned to find that the values ascribed to the beloved person are ficticious."
He goes on to say that this can cause love to fade or cause hatred. Some things left out: at the time of birth one is male or female; male or female is something to grown into over time and the body is integral to that
B) A lecture given by Peter Kreeft Ph.D. of Philosophy
http://www.peterkreeft.com/audio/17_cslewis-a-grief-observed/peter-kreeft_grief-observed.mp3
This lecture is an exploration of the grief that C.S. Lewis had on the occassion of hi wife's death.
A quick list of the (5ish step process with annotations by me, as i see Truth in it.)
Denial - Shocked antithetical impression of the situation; falsity
Anger - "How could this happen to me?" "What did I do?"
Bargaining - Attempting to push impending weight of the situation
Depression - down in the duldrums due to overweighted consequences
Acceptance - the result of rational compromising and learning from an experience
I'm not quite sure how to summarize in prose so a list of things I, God permitting, would ostensibly like to change:
Fight myself to follow the truth, rather than comfort itself
Get used to being shocked Chris, truth hurts
Practically: Buck up with even more acceleration in my studies and efforts
Teach myself to love myself, rather than satisfy myself
Serve others, for in serving we are served; love the other for their own sake
