Forgive and Forget

The first language it seems is body language. Something I never did when I was a kid was talk about my pains, never knew how to recognize them. Recently it's easier to become aware that worldviews are incredibly powerful. 

Junior year I came across my first demanding teacher: Mr. A... He was a great force in getting me to think. Mr. A... and I would sometimes disagree on a point but, being grown up in a very isolated middle child position, I learned quickly to take the low road in arguments, trying to diffuse the situation and not face it... 

ever

Sometimes it's a good day, usually brought by a powerful conviction I take in the morning to focus on serving others and that's all I will do. Crying seems to be back-burner material sometimes but as the (http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/loneliness-observed/) says, and I tend to agree, it is inevitable. It's hard to understand the meaning of mistakes, perfection, joy, love, calumny,identity and justice.  


Different types of crying come up for me in different situations.  But the one's I can recall in my mind right at this moment are: crying myself to sleep sometimes early sometimes too late, a time my father yells from the other side of the house asking me to do something for him, my mother telling me I should get a job, go to the youth group at Church, or go outside for a change. 

Type One is a type that is shameful. Brought on by seeing injustice and ignorance this type is easy to sympathize with. The situation is where you have your mouth shut out of cowardice and simply say nothing. This tends to be inwardly forceful and stifled until late at night. 

Type Two is characterized by terror or disbelief. Either a hurtful off the cuff statement or after the fact realization hurts. Usually less predictable than any other kind, this is identity shattering. A sort of attack on one's identity, iconoclasm, this is a terrifying experience. A typical chain of events explains what this cry-fest is like: 

a) A passionate and important arguments happens where I don't know whether my position is really justified because it is or because I feel it is. 

b) Inevitably it comes down to a choice and by the very nature of the issues in question like abortion, killing innocents, anything important

c) A realization that my faith informs me, but people don't have my faith for whatever reason

d) I realize it's my disbelief that's lead me to this point

e) blame

f) contain blame and desperation to self

When these thoughts come into my mind they get into a negative feedback loop. As long as I remember that God loves me the thought comes into my head that I'm being in credibly selfish because of course he does... I need not despair. 

Sometimes I get a "get over it" look from people who are in the know. It reminds me of all the holes I've quickly plugged in my hull but they're still there.

"It's not good that man should be alone..." - Genesis 2:18
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28